Why Time-Outs Aren’t Working and What to Do Instead

For generations, “go to your room” or the classic time-out chair have been go-to discipline tools for parents. The idea is simple: remove the child from the situation so they can calm down and reflect on their behavior. But if you’re finding that time-outs aren’t leading to better behavior or worse, are escalating the conflict… you’re not alone.

Why Time-Outs Often Backfire

While the intention behind time-outs is to help a child self-regulate, here’s what often happens instead:

• The child feels isolated. Time-outs can feel like rejection, especially to young children who are still learning about emotional connection.

• They don’t understand what they did wrong. Young children may not have the cognitive skills to connect their behavior with the consequence without adult guidance.

• It becomes a power struggle. Many parents end up “battling” the child to stay in time-out, turning it into another conflict.

• It doesn’t teach the right behavior. While time-outs might temporarily stop the unwanted behavior, they rarely teach kids what to do instead.

What to Do Instead: Time-Ins and Connection-Based Discipline

Children misbehave when they’re dysregulated, overwhelmed, tired, hungry or simply testing limits. What they need isn’t isolation, but connection, guidance, and co-regulation.

1. Try a Time-In

Instead of sending your child away, invite them to sit with you. This is called a time-in. It offers a moment of calm and connection.

Example:

“Come sit with me. Let’s breathe together. I can see you’re having a hard time.”

2. Name the Feeling

Helping your child label their emotions builds emotional intelligence.

Example:

“It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated that your toy broke. That makes sense.”

3. Teach Skills, Not Just Rules

Once your child is calm, talk through what happened and guide them toward better behavior next time.

Example:

“Next time you feel mad, you can stomp your feet or come talk to me instead of hitting.”

4. Set Clear and Kind Limits

Connection doesn’t mean permissiveness. You can still have firm boundaries, but set them with empathy.

Example:

“I won’t let you throw toys. If you’re mad, let’s find another way to show it.”

Final Thoughts

Time-outs often fail because they focus on control instead of connection. By shifting your approach to discipline using tools like time-ins, emotional coaching, and skill-building, you’ll not only reduce challenging behavior, but you’ll strengthen your relationship with your child in the process.

Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about learning, growing, and showing up with love, especially in the hard moments.